Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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