his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
