Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
