i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
