Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
