You're earring is so big in my mouth
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
