I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Congratulations! We have a period
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
