Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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