After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
