Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
