I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
