he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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