Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
