Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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