4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
