Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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