A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
