True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
