I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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