I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
