just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
