i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
