Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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