I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
