i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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