I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
