with your own penis?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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