One girl and one boy is just not enough.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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