thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
