I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
