new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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