I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
