College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
