I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
