No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Boobs are out for the taking
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
