so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
