Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
