My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
