why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
