I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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