My friends, they love my intelligence
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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