lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Someone shit on the floor
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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