I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
