As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
