seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
