I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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