how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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