I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
