Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
