it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
