I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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