she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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